Family Structure and Respect for Kin

Alena says that in her youth she could not go out freely. In general, children had to ask their parents for permission. Alena grew up without a mother. Alena’s father never allowed her to play outside for long. Alena was very afraid of him and tried to obey him. In the past, children showed great respect to their parents and were afraid of them. Even young adults did not dare to do anything without their parents’ consent. Even middle-aged men did not have the right to sit at the same table with elders, let alone drink alcohol with them.

Alexandra says that people should respect their relatives. She reminisces about her paternal uncle who helped her family in Siberia.

Alexandra conveys that her father had the following motto in his life: ‘Among the three roads, I walk along the middle one’. Its meaning is that, he was an honest man.

Bulyash says that in the past Kalmyks addressed different people differently, depending on their gender, age and the degree of kinship. She also says that the young people respected the old. Here is her interview:

Bulyash: We respected our parents. We called our mother ‘aak’, our father ‘baav’. Men who were older than our fathers, we called them ‘aav’. Old women were addressed as ‘eej’ or ‘aaj’. Today all men are addressed equally as ‘uncle’. We addressed our grandmothers, grandfathers, fathers, etc. differently.

People should make offerings to their ancestors, gods and Tsagan Aav by saying: ‘Let my offerings reach Tsagan Aav, my ancestors, all gods and Buddha Shakyamuni’. During Zul people need to say the following when making offerings: ‘Oh, dear gods, thank you for the years that you have bestowed on us. Let the past years be strong, and the new one – happy’. After this, you need to add a year to your children’s ages by lighting candles. We live according to Kalmyk traditions. During Tsagan Sar we make bortsg biscuits and give them to children as a present. We also make tea offerings to our ancestors and lamas. During Tsagan Sar or Zul you also need to give your elders their share of tea and butter.

Question: When one makes offerings, does that person need to say: ‘I am making an offering to the protectors of my ancestors’.

Bulyash: Yes, people say this.

Ekaterina says the following:

Some people commemorate their diseased relatives a year, two, three, five, or even 15 years after their death. I am already in my 70s. I live with my husband. Our parents passed away many years ago. What merit they had accumulated in their lives, they will use it in their next lives. I go to the temple and book well wishes for their memorial service. At home, I have a couple of pictures of our parents. I always bow to them. Recently my husband’s nephew had difficult surgery. After the surgery, he paid us a visit. After drinking tea, he bowed to the pictures on his way out. I tell all my relatives to bow to these pictures. My husband’s nephew has recovered and is doing all right now. Different people have different thoughts. There are young people who have pure, clean thoughts, and who respect their parents. There are also those who do not. The sky sees it all. We have been brought up to show respect to older people, which we will always do.

Galina talks about how Kalmyks showed their respect to their elders. She says that older people were always offered to sit in respectable places and were served fresh tea and food. It was customary to enquire about the quest’s clan affiliation and other news. People really tried not to offend those who were older by age. Kalmyks loved hosting.

In this interview Galina talks about the Aavikhn clan, its land, and about his father who was from the Bootkhud clan.

Galina: My father knew many interesting stories. I think the land of my (husband’s) clan, Aavikhn, is also interesting. There is a saying that, ‘People from the land of the Aavikhn clan live happily. Whoever leaves this land, becomes poor’. I’ll give you an example. In 1997 a girl from our clan got married to a man from Chilgir. We, her relatives, went to pay her a visit. Among us was an old wealthy man who had many horses. He said to us: ‘The land of the Aavikhn clan gives happiness to its people’.

On 14 June 2003, five of us – including me, Boova Arnyudaev, Maria Badaeva, Roza Lazareva, and Sergei Dzhalaev — set out on a journey to the places that had temples in the past. There is one particular hill. In the past on that hill there stood several nomadic temples housed in yurts, including a temple of the Aavikhn clan, a temple of the Asmud clan, a temple of the Noinakhn clan, and a temple of the Khavchn clan. We all bowed on the hill and moved clockwise. There is a valley nearby where in 1928 the Khambo Lama gave teachings to a large audience. Maria Badaeva, who was with us, had participated in that teaching during which she received her Russian name. The yurt temples nomadized from that hill further to a place called Altsyn-Khuta that had a stationary temple in a wooden house. It served as a winter station.

The land of the Aavykhn clan has its spirit-protectors. People who leave this land end up in unhappy situations. When Kobtsev left this place, he died not long afterwards. We had a veterinary doctor who also died as soon as he moved to another place. I am telling you this based on my analysis.

So, when we prayed on that hill, it rained lightly and then a rainbow appeared in the sky. We took pictures, went to Elista to have the negatives developed, but nothing appeared on the photos (which proves the miraculous power of that place).

My father told me many stories. He was from the clan of Bootkhud. (As you may know) During Tsagan Sar and Zul we make bortsg biscuits in the shape of a bird. When I asked my father why we made such biscuits, he relayed a legend to me: ‘Once upon a time the ice mountains melted down, flooding the land. People did not know how to get to the dry land. One old man made a bird and gave it life. The bird showed the people the way to the dry land.’ The founder of the Bootkhud clan was a blacksmith. When we make offerings, we include a bird-shaped biscuit as well. My father also told me that inside our clan we have two sub-clans, namely the Doomakhn and the Daagnakhn. The Doomakhn is a small grouping, consisting of not more than seven families. Since the Doomakhn had few people, the Bootkhud took them into their clan and helped them. Where does the name Daagnakhn come from? The story is as follows. The Bootkhud had a beautiful foal. The Kalmyk word for a foal is ‘daag’. One day people from Khanata stole that foal. Upon learning about the theft, the Bootkhud people went to Khanata and took a boy as hostage, saying: ‘Return our foal and we will return your boy’. Nobody, however, came for the boy. The Bootkhud people brought up the boy. He grew up, married and became the founder of the Daagnakhn (i.e. ‘people of the foal’).

Question: Tell me about the blacksmiths.

Galina: People say that the Bootkhud clan originates from a blacksmith. The old man who created the (legendary) bird was a blacksmith.

My father was a very skillful man who could do many things. He could weave a rope, make whips. I keep his whip on the wall in my office. My father put electric lamps both inside and outside of our house. He also made tools to grind grain. These tools are in Ergeninskiy now. With his skills he glorified the clan of Bootkhud who originate from a blacksmith.

Galina says the following: I do not know much about my ancestors, but my mother used to say to me: ‘You have many ancestors. Commemorate them once or twice a year. Book well wishes for them at the temple. Offer food by throwing candies and biscuits to the roof’. So, once a year I book well wishes for my grandmother, grandfather, great grandfather, and other ancestors. I make food offerings at the temple and give sweets to children. I follow traditions.

Galina says that when she was a child in her village people helped each other and respected older people. This is her story:

When I was a child I listened to my parents. Now when I think of it I understand that our elders helped and looked after each other. When I was in the second or third grade, our neighbor was a young bride, 19 years of age, who had an 8-month old baby. When her husband went away to graze sheep in a sovkhoz in Chernye Zemli, she stayed alone at home. It was in winter that she was alone. My father said to me: ‘My daughter, did you finish your homework? Go and help that young bride’. I used to go to her house every day. Whenever I came the bride would be very happy to see me. She would go straight out to clean her yard, fetch water and feed the livestock. After a couple of hours, she would come back, give candies to me and say: ‘That is it, now go home’. Also, I knew that in our village two families had lost their mothers. One man was left with five children to look after, and the other had four children. My mother made wool socks for them every year. I helped my mother clean wool. When I was 15, an old woman said to my mother: ‘Galya, send children to Kema’s, the milkmaid. Her mother is blind, and her children are small. Her house must be in filth. Go and help her out’. We, five girls, went and cleaned her house from morning to evening. Now I understand that back then we helped each other. In our village we had a lonely old woman. All her children had died in Siberia, and her husband went missing during the war. We all pitied her. My mother used to say to me: ‘You often go to Elista and Troitskoe. Bring her some clothes. It will earn you merit’. I used to bring her clothes, and once even bought her earrings on the occasion of the 8th of March (i.e. the International Women’s Day). In the past, we all helped each other and supported the weak among us. The elders taught us to help others, and we followed their advice.

Irina recalls that when she was young, old men always emphasized the importance of daily prayers. Hence, Irina prays every morning as soon as she gets up. She prays for the wellbeing of her children and grandchildren as well as for the sake of other people. Irina’s mother also read mantras twice a day, in the morning and in the evening.

In her youth when she was a veterinary nurse, Irina worked with a former lama called Dordzhi Tikeev who taught her not to throw away intestines, as this act negatively affects livestock. Things turned out just as the former lama predicted – today the number of livestock has gone down.

From Dordzhi Tikeev, Irina also learnt to show respect to the altar when entering one’s house. In the morning, the first part of freshly made tea should be sprinkled to the skies and a bit of fresh meal given to birds. It is a way to remember one’s deceased relatives.

Ivan reminisces about his mother whom he loved dearly. This is his story:

There is nobody dearer or holier than one’s mother. I myself brought up four children. Now I am 80. I have many grandchildren and great grandchildren. When my wife died, at 32 I was left with four children to look after. I was young and inexperienced. It is good that my mother was alive. With her my children grew up as if they were never orphans.

Not to listen to your mother is a big sin. When we were in Siberia, my mother fell ill and lay on the top of a Russian stove for a long time. She did not eat. Neither did she drink water. She was sick for four months. We have a Kalmyk saying that to a good person a doctor comes by himself/herself. It was in February and all around was covered in deep snow. The gypsies were going from one house to the next, asking for fodder for their horses and food for themselves. They entered our dugout, asking: ‘Is there anybody inside?’ My mother slowly got off the stove and sat down. At that time, I was in the third grade, and my older brothers were away at work. A Gypsy woman said to my mother that she would heal her, and asked for two bottles of vodka (as payment). She treated my mother for several days. My mother was 42. She lived to see 80. I pitied my mother and cleaned the floor myself. When she was sick I thought to myself: ‘We are three brothers. If our mother dies tomorrow, what will we do? It would be better if one of us dies instead of her’. I had such an attitude towards my mother. That is why (when she died) she passed her happiness and blessing on to me. In my family people do not live long. I live long. My mother helped me bring up my children. I was the closest to her among her three sons. She loved me most, and I loved her, too.

Tatyana talks about her understanding of a proper Kalmyk family. This is her story:

My grandmother taught me a lot of things, including my family’s genealogy. My ancestors were enterprising people, Cossacks, who served in the Russian army in the First World War. I know my genealogy 12 generations back.

On my paternal side, we had Cherkess women, that is where a crook on our noses comes from.

In our family we are 4 children. Our mother brought us up correctly, and now she enjoys the fruits of this upbringing. We all support and love our mother. Many ask my mother about how she raised us. She replies: ‘We lived, worked quietly by ourselves, and harmed nobody’. It is the mother’s responsibility to bring up her children. The father is the symbol of his family, no matter how much or less he earns. Today people do not understand this anymore. I, as a wife, know my place in my family, and I don’t ask my husband unnecessary questions. In fact, girls need to be taught how to behave properly and make their husbands feel like they are the head of the family. In this sense, I belong to a traditional Kalmyk family.

There is a tendency to tighten the rules of divorce, which I support because this may save families going through this. Today, families headed by single parents is a serious problem. When women earn more than men, this changes the dynamic in the family. Excessive freedom that women enjoy has turned their heads. I do not call for a return to cruelty or patriarchy though. I am just saying that in a modern democratic environment, families should be based on a peaceful foundation where every member of the family knows his/her place.

Women should defend the good name of their husbands’ clan and show respect to his relatives.

Today, many families live separately from their grandparents, which I disapprove of because we lose connection between generations.

Yuriy says that in the past Kalmyks were respectful towards their elders and guests and always addressed them as ‘thee’. People consumed alcohol with measure and did not behave badly. For their behaviour, Kalmyks were respected by other ethnic groups.

Upon their return from Siberian exile, Yuriy’s family grew corn, watermelons, and wheat, which they sold.